Quarter Cookie

At the start of this year I committed to releasing 2 things per month for the entire year. At the end of last year I had some idea that I’d be trying to do this this year, so Bianca and I sat around at a bar in Cherry Creek and wrote on napkins until we had created a release calendar.

That is probably not actually a napkin. Look how memory lies.

That is probably not actually a napkin. Look how memory lies.

It’s a p deece release calendar. Things went pretty solid in January, I released the announcement video and Looks Like a Heart #1, and even a bonus video from The Tank. Feb was also okay, I did the video about how much I love Dear me, and I released a video of us performing Rivers and Roads at the Tank. Dear me, tanks you, originally slated to be the second release in February, was pushed to March. None of the things originally planned for March were created.

I was panicking about this happening at least as early as February, because in addition to this monthly things there are the 4 EPs, and in February I was looking at what I had of Looks Like a Heart #2 and going “OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD.” I thought that maybe I’d just release individual songs from LLAH #2 in March, and that that would count. I’m currently listening to the LLAH #2 Masters and planning to release those in early May, to give myself a full month of pre-release bullshit. I am thinking about LLAH #3 and going “OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD” because there is nothing (or very close to nothing) currently tracked for that.

Why write this? Well, because I need to release 2 things in April. But also because 3 months of the year is 25% of the year, and a 25% look back feels like a decent idea right now. One question I currently have is, “how can the year be 25% over, and yet I have finished tracking 50% of the EPs that I need to have done this year? Something about that seems like I did math wrong.

“Why write this” is a good question though. I’ve been wondering recently about audience — or specifically at least about the audience of my releases, the audience of my shows. The audience of this blog post. When I’m done with this I’ll half skim it one time and then I’ll make it public even though there will inevitably still be typos in it. Sometime when it is daylight out I will share this on my Sam Paul facebook page and then I’ll probably re-share it on my personal page, and that will mostly be the life of this blog.

I swear to God I’m not trying to complain, I think I’m just thinking out loud. Facebook hardly cares about my EPs, they definitely don’t care about my blogs in any meaningful way, and that’s really okay and it isn’t. The ideal would be to make enough money from my own songs that I don’t have to do other things. I know that just sharing the stuff on facebook and Instagram isn’t gonna make that happen, and that is some good (v fun, so insightful) info.

New thought: when I write songs I try my hardest not to think about the audience at all. I try to write them so that they feel good and true to me. It was the same way when I did poems, and other such creative type things. I think that that’s part of why I’ve written some good stuff. But when I’m making something like this I can’t not think (or at least I haven’t found out how to not think) about the audience. Because this is obviously for an audience. It’s going on my Sam Paul website. If it were not for an audience it would go on my top secret google doc that only me and sometimes Brittany or my therapist get to read.

I had to tackle the question, ‘why write songs’ earlier in my life because, although there’s a lot of overlap between this blog and songs, there is enough distinct about songs that I can answer that question, “write songs because it makes you feel good.” Writing this does make me feel good in a way. But probably not in enough of a way that I need to write it here instead of on my top secret google doc. Right? No? hm.

I feel like I’m making really good stuff right now. I am really excited for LLAH #2. I think that the lyric videos that I made for Seeing Someone, and the two vlogs that I made in January and February are some of the better videos I’ve made in a long while. I hope that one thing that I’ll learn in the near future is how to market the stuff that I make on the internet. I feel like there must be a way. Like. There must be, right? The internet is huge, and I’ve hardly tried.

I really believe in that David Bazan tweet up there. It’s incredible to me how hard of a time I’ve had releasing 2 things a month for only 3 months. It doesn’t seem like it should be this hard, and the thing that I keep trying to tell myself is to just keep trying. Keep getting better. It’s hard and makes me feel weird to try things and fail so publicly, but weirdly I think that that’s part of the process for creative stuff. I guess you can’t really know how things are gonna go just in a vacuum or bedroom.

I’ll try to find a way to not care about the audience in everything I do? At least right now. At least when I’m not literally on a stage. Maybe not even then in some ways.

Sam Columna